it’s been such a long time since i’ve updated this. really, life got in the way. from falling in love with a boy, to doing things i’ve never done, to screwing up and making the most of it, to getting my heart broken, to learning how to be strong and what growing up really means…and just when i thought all the bad things were over…someone i was close to killed herself saturday. really, i just don’t know anymore. i’ve become so numb.
i’m trying to not care anymore.
but it’s a day by day process, and some are harder than others.
to the end just to find out who killed the cook.
Not the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication.
Not the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punchline, the door, or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don’t regret those.
Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the livingroom couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.
You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.
You’ve walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.
You’ve traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the upstairs
window. Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied
of expectation. Relax. Don’t bother remembering
any of it. Let’s stop here, under the lit sign
on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.
I don’t know where I’ve been lately. Physically I’ve been busy as heck; taking my exams and studying and working. It’s been exhausting. But mentally, I have absolutely no idea where I’ve been. I tried to explain it to a friend a couple of days ago. This is as best as i can explain it:
Right now the lump-in-the-throat pain floods me, steals my breath. It passes, yes, but leaves me deflated, feeling nothing but a weird vague restlessness that lingers.