I am out of touch. I am so out of touch with this world of dating that I dont know how to take interactions between a man and myself anymore. I used to be able to read what a person was feeling, thinking, etc…or at least I thought I did. These days, I have no fucking clue. I have no clue what happened, what to expect, or what to look forward to. The mystery of life and love is so mysterious I find it hard to even fantasize anymore. I find myself at 30 years old just as confused with men as I was when I was 20. At least at 20 I had the drugs to blame for my lack of understanding. What’s my excuse today?
I remain in the dark. A dark so blinding that I cannott find which way is up or down. What used to be fun is suddenly mundane, expected, and uncomfortable. I miss the days of middle school when the boy you liked sent you a note, threw the dodgeball at you, or oh so terrified asked you to dance to some horrible tragic Mariah Carey song. Things were easy back when the worst you had to worry about was a french kiss. I miss my Mom’s minivan coming to pick me up from the school dance. I miss the sort of late night phone calls that consisted of telling the other person everything you’ve ever wanted to tell anyone. I miss the seeing the person near your locker and having your heart stop. I miss romance. I miss sweetness, and I miss the innocent and exciting feeling young love once bestowed upon us.
that saying goodbye doesn’t seem like it ever gets any better? i wake looking for him. i call out his name, forgetting that he will never be able to answer again. i have huge bags under my eyes because i simply can’t sleep anymore. i try to keep busy, but no matter what i do, the pain is still there, fresh and raw. and the thing that gets me the most is that my friends act like i should just stop being sad and be happy, just like that.
if only it were that easy…
it’s a rainy sunday and i’ve been home alone all day long. lonely is a well known feeling today.
but workk at four today, not that i’m excited. but at least i will be able to communicate with someone other than my dogs!
And she was so tired of feeling so helpless, flying in circles and bumping into cold metal walls. She was tired of trying and tired of breathing and wondering why. But in that moment, she realized life is for shattered moonlight and soft feathers and the few seconds when the sun rises and there isn’t room for anything else.