Sat 13

Things that make you go hmmm



I am out of touch.  I am so out of touch with this world of dating that I dont know how to take interactions between a man and myself anymore.  I used to be able to read what a person was feeling, thinking, etc…or at least I thought I did.  These days, I have no fucking clue.  I have no clue what happened, what to expect, or what to look forward to.  The mystery of life and love is so mysterious I find it hard to even fantasize anymore.  I find myself at 30 years old just as confused with men as I was when I was 20.  At least at 20 I had the drugs to blame for my lack of understanding.  What’s my excuse today?

I remain in the dark.  A dark so blinding that I cannott find which way is up or down.  What used to be fun is suddenly mundane, expected, and uncomfortable.  I miss the days of middle school when the boy you liked sent you a note, threw the dodgeball at you, or oh so terrified asked you to dance to some horrible tragic Mariah Carey song.  Things were easy back when the worst you had to worry about was a french kiss.  I miss my Mom’s minivan coming to pick me up from the school dance.  I miss the sort of late night phone calls that consisted of telling the other person everything you’ve ever wanted to tell anyone.  I miss the seeing the person near your locker and having your heart stop.  I miss romance.  I miss sweetness, and I miss the innocent and exciting feeling young love once bestowed upon us.

Fri 29
Thu 28
Mon 25

can i just say

that saying goodbye doesn’t seem like it ever gets any better? i wake looking for him. i call out his name, forgetting that he will never be able to answer again. i have huge bags under my eyes because i simply can’t sleep anymore.  i try to keep busy, but no matter what i do, the pain is still there, fresh and raw. and the thing that gets me the most is that my friends act like i should just stop being sad and be happy, just like that.

if only it were that easy…

Tue 19
Sun 17

it’s a rainy sunday and i’ve been home alone all day long. lonely is a well known feeling today.

but workk at four today, not that i’m excited. but at least i will be able to communicate with someone other than my dogs!





And she was so tired of feeling so helpless, flying in circles and bumping into cold metal walls. She was tired of trying and tired of breathing and wondering why. But in that moment, she realized life is for shattered moonlight and soft feathers and the few seconds when the sun rises and there isn’t room for anything else.
everything is more complicated than you think. you only see a tenth of what is true. there are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. but maybe you won’t know for twenty years. and you’ll never ever trace it to its source. and you only get one chance to play it out. just try and figure out your own divorce. and they say there is no fate, but there is: it’s what you create. even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. but while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. and it never comes or it seems to but doesn’t really. and so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved. and the truth is I’m so angry and the truth is I’m so fucking sad, and the truth is I’ve been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I’m OK, just to get along, just for, I don’t know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine
— synecdoche, new york (via watersounds)